When I least expect it; that lonely feminine emotion slams me hard from behind. It can be just a simple thing like hearing a song, smell, someone's laugh, or actually nothing. Grief just walks in my door - slams about my self conscience and makes me fall over - under.
Why do I feel Grief is a feminine force simple because, she is silent, unforgiving, and strikes without warning. Ask any man what I mean when it comes to their woman being angry at them or holding a grudge. Like a snake hidden on the path, Grief may strike just because she is uncomfortable.
The third anniversary is coming of Joleen's death and it is still as raw as it was then. In some ways, she was a sister, mother, confidant that, I could not bond with as a military member because our lives are so transient. Some folks, are able to make friends and keep in touch with them for years by mail. I can honestly say, I am not one of those.
I am guarded because of emotions like Grief. She taught me well as a child to compartmentalize my humaness into secret chambers no one can see. I could have done the same with JoJo but, chose not to.
On the day we met, I knew she was dying of cancer. In a strange sense of foresight I knew she was not going to live to see herself cancer free and knew: she knew it. Yet, she forged forward anyway with a grace, sense of humor, and humility I have rarely encountered from another adult. Her faith reminded me greatly of Tyra (RIP 2004), the child who I named my son after. Both had the faith of undying trust in people, their God and in their families.
That is one thing Grief can not sneak away from me -- my faith in them.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
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