The cancer is spreading

11 July 2007

It is so hard to look at someone you love. Hear the news and not react out of grief or anger. Instead of crying or raging; I asked her "what can I do to help you." Seems like one of the ten year old doctors she was referred to; did not know how to fill out a form letter on her behalf for her drugs and pain relief. Okay, I can do that; only problem is I will not be able to see her until Friday.

She has her appointments spread across South West Texas. I am beginning to form the opinion that no one medical facility wants full responsibility for her care due to the financial implications of her critical care. This speaks volumes to me because it is like saying dear patient you need a heart transplant but here at this facility only offer dietary advice. (Thus these facilities spread the cost of her care around.) That is what my gut tells me because her appointments are spread out from San Antonio, Pleasanton to Corpus Christi.

It is so hard to look into her eyes and see that she is accepting of her fate with no accusations or murderous rage. This is also hard for me to follow her wishes on remaining calm and respectful. The passivity of acceptance just goes against my aggressive, “A” type personality. I would sooner grab the doctor that is her bone specialist and slap the silly, complacent look off his face when he is speaking about offering her pain management classes.

(Here in my head, I think: YOU ARROGANT BASTARD! How dare you suggest such a placebo? Why are you planting a seed of doubt in her head as to her inability to effectively manage her own pain? I am seriously whipping the ass of every doctor that has been idiots with her care for the last two years.) Let me tell you this mental ass kicking feels good because I start to laugh at the absurdity of the role play.

I will get a few hours with her on Friday before she leaves to go to her daughter's wedding to get all the information. I keep telling myself to prepare because each time that I have not seen her in a few days I can see the difference in her health.

The only other idea I came come up with is contacting the military facilities inquire about appointing me as her care provider. I mean I am at a loss and feel like I am buried under a quagmire of inability and crap and thus--ineffective. I am sitting here now looking at this keyboard knowing my friend's life is being drained from her. She is young and vibrant still even though tired and wasting away. Her smile is as beautiful as the day I met her. Her heart and faith have not changed nor her outlook on life.

No tears today, I promised.

I love you, JoJo!